Searching for a Heart
by Jaybles
Summary: It has been five years since the death of Finn Hudson and to the outside world it appears that Rachel Berry has moved on but in private she's still grieving and it's holding her back. This is the story of how she finds the strength to finally move forward and love again. Probably AU.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Glee characters and any lyrics used do not belong to me. However, there are original characters that do belong to me.

Summary: It has been five years since the death of Finn Hudson and to the outside world it appears that Rachel Berry has moved on but in private she's still grieving and it's holding her back. This is the story of how she finds the strength to finally move forward and love again.

Prologue

May 24, 2011

New York, New York

Patrick "Trick" Gallagher sat stoically listening to the different choirs perform at the glee nationals. He wanted to be anywhere but here but he had slacked off so much this semester that his professor had given him no choice. If he wanted to pass he had to attend. It was actually very magnanimous because he should have failed but his professors saw a talent in him and understood the circumstances surrounding his current depression. He had lost a lot in the last year and the twenty-one year old was suffering.

Today would've been his little brother's fourteenth birthday. No one realize how quickly things could end for thirteen year old Standish Gallagher. No one really saw his depression and his illness until Trick had walked into the living room after classes eight months ago to find his little brother and mother lying in a large pool of blood; a gun still clutched in Standish's lifeless hand.

No, he didn't want to be here listening to various glee clubs sing. He wanted to be at the bottom of a very large bottle of Irish whiskey numbing out the pain of the hole in his soul. Alcohol was the only effective way to forget for a while the horror he had witnessed the day his younger brother had selfishly killed their mother and then turned the gun on himself leaving his father to raise his two younger siblings alone.

Now, without the alcohol he felt himself drowning in the memory. Tears began to well up in his eyes. His breathing became uneven and his vision began to blur. He was about to lose it when he heard the most angelic voice float from the stage. He attempted to focus on the voice and his eyes began to refocus on the stage. There he saw a tall, gawky teenager singing a duet with a tiny brunette.

Trick focused on her, listening intently to her voice and watching her movements. Something about this little slip of a girl was mesmerizing. She was breath taking, her voice awe inspiring. He wasn't really focusing on the words of the song although they were beautiful. As he watched her, as he felt her voice, something in him began to heal. That gaping hole began to slowly knit and for the first time in eight months he felt something other than anguish and despair; he felt hope. The very thought, that with all the bad in the world, a beauty so pure could still exist gave him hope that he could recover. It gave him hope that he could rebuild his life and he could help his family rebuild theirs. He was free to live and move on.

As the song drew to a close he knew he had to know this angel, his salvation. He glanced down at the program he held and searched for her name. This was a glee club from a little town in Ohio; New Directions. Co-captains Finn Hudson and his angel, Rachel Berry. He glanced up just in time to see the tall teen kissing his angel on stage. His heart leapt to his throat for a moment before he saw her smile. It was so bright and transcendent that it was as if she smiled with her whole being. He would do anything to see her smile like that, including walk way because she seemed so utterly happy he could never impose himself onto that happiness. He felt a hot tear slide down his cheek, but instead of wiping it away he welcomed it because this wasn't a tear of anger or grief; this was a tear of pure joy and relief.

"Thanks you, Rachel Berry," Trick whispered. "Thank you, sweet angel, for saving me."


	2. Feeling Good

Disclaimer: The Glee characters and any lyrics used do not belong to me. However, there are original characters that do belong to me.

Summary: It has been five years since the death of Finn Hudson and to the outside world it appears that Rachel Berry has moved on but in private she's still grieving and it's holding her back. This is the story of how she finds the strength to finally move forward and love again.

Feeling Good

September 17, 2018

James Madison High School

Brooklyn, New York

After her run as Fanny Brice on Broadway, Rachel Berry, had lost her spark; her zest for theater. She still loved all things Broadway but her motivation was gone. She kept up appearances and went to the occasion audition so she could tell her friends she was trying, but she simply didn't give it her all. She wasn't the Rachel Berry of five years before; the death of Finn Hudson had seen to that. He had been her biggest fan and had promised he would see her Broadway debut, but that promise had been broken.

While doing her run on Broadway, Rachel had sent tickets to Carol Hudson-Hummel hoping that if Finn couldn't be there his mother would come in his stead. A week after sending the tickets, Rachel had received a letter in the mail. When she unfolded it the shredded pieces of the tickets rained down onto the floor and the letter itself broke her heart.

In it, Carol blamed Rachel for Finn's death stating that if Rachel had married him in their senior year or fought to keep them together when she left for New York then he would still be alive. Rachel knew that the older woman was grieving the loss of her son, but apart of her agreed with Carol. If she hadn't have been so ambitious, would Finn still be alive? With that question in mind, Rachel had resigned herself to substitute teaching in Brooklyn where few people knew or cared who she was. She felt she should be punished for daring to reach for her dreams. That's what brought her to James Madison High.

She sighed and headed down the hall on her off period towards the teachers lounge to fix herself a cup of tea. She didn't really sing outside of her own home anymore with the exception of this week, but the habits from years ago still existed. This week she had been called upon to sub for the assistant choir teacher who had to go on bed rest for a difficult pregnancy. If she did well the school might keep her on for the rest of the semester. She didn't care; this was her self imposed exile. Oh, she went out with Kurt and Santana every once in while, but she didn't really enjoy it. She wasn't really living life, just going through the motions. She couldn't remember the last time she had enjoyed anything.

As Rachel walked she heard the jazz band practicing. The song was the exact opposite of how she felt, but she paused to listen. She heard the music fade and a male voice speak.

"Whoa, guys, hang on," he stated jovially."I'm not feelin' it."

She heard a few of the kids groan and heard one protest,

"Come on, Mr. G..."

Rachel stepped closer to the door to peak in and noticed that about fifty students made up the ensemble. She couldn't see the face of the director but from the back she could tell he had auburn hair, was in good shape, and seemed to be young.

"Don't Mr. G me," the director laughed. "I know you've heard this song but I don't think you're feeling the song. This song has been a standard since Nina Simone sang it in the sixties. This song is a song about feeling. This is supposed to be driving and dirty because emotion and feeling are driving and dirty,' he stated passionately.

"Well, maybe if we had a singer..." One of the trombone players grumbled defiantly and the rest of the class agreed.

"I agree," he said nodding, "But I'm not going to settle for the mediocrity that Mr. Campbell keeps trying to send us because he wants to keep all the really superb singers for his precious Bach choir. It's also the reason we can't get a glee club started, but I digress."

"Come on Mr. G, please sing it for us just once," the piano player plead.

"Is that what this is about?" He asked suspiciously. "You guys just want me to sing for you even though it's not our deal day. Sneaky..."

"Please, Mr. G," a tenor sax player begged.

"Yeah," an alto agreed. "It would help."

"Come on, Trick, no one feels music like you do," the dark hair boy in the percussion section coaxed with a doe eyed look.

"Hey now, you're not playing fair Major," Trick told the boy. "You're playing the wounded deer and you know how I feel about that little brother," he chastised lightly.

"And in class, it's Mr. G or I'm going to sic Dad on you," he smirked.

"Yes sir," Major grumbled before sticking out his lower lip at his older brother.

A moment passed between the two brothers before the older one caved.

"Agh! Fine, but Friday's humiliation is to be to a minimum. There will be no dressing like Elton John and singing _Benny and the Jets_."

"Deal," one of the trumpets stated for the class. "Besides we wouldn't make you do that two weeks in a row."

"Alright," Trick raised his harms. "Let's do this."

Trick gave a few waves to set the tempo and the first chord began. Rachel was about to walk away when she opened his mouth and a voice that struck a feeling in her for the first time in years rolled over her.

Trick: _Birds flying high  
You know how I feel  
Sun in the sky  
You know how I feel  
Breeze driftin' on by  
You know how I feel  
It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
For me  
And I'm feeling good_

Rachel was drawn fully into the doorway by the voice. For the first time in a long while she felt something beyond desperation and self-loathing. She watched as Trick stepped away from the podium and began to work his way around the room and stopped in the horn section.

_I'm feeling good_

She finally got a glimpse of his face and felt a pull of attraction that she hadn't allowed herself to feel in five years. This wasn't good...__

Fish in the sea  
You know how I feel  
River running free  
You know how I feel  
Blossom on a tree  
You know how I feel  
It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
For me  
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know  
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean  
Sleep in peace when day is done  
That's what I mean  
And this old world is a new world  
And a bold world  
For me

She watched as Trick slowly turned and his blue eyes noticed her lurking in the doorway. He grinned at her and winked.__

For me

During the instrumental, Trick slowly made his way over to her and pulled her into the class room before twirling her around, dipping her and releasing her to stand in front of the ensemble. He wondered back over to the horn section and started conducting them hard._  
_

_Stars when you shine  
You know how I feel  
Scent of the pine  
You know how I feel  
Oh freedom is mine  
And I know how I feel  
It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life_

It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life

It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
It's a new life  
For me

He turned back and started making his way toward Rachel again.__

And I'm feeling good

He stopped in front of her and sang the last words.__

I'm feeling good  
I feel so good  
I feel so good 

_I feel so good_

The percussion section began to cheer as the last of the chords faded and Trick smiled at Rachel.

"I'm Patrick Gallagher, well Trick really" he introduced himself quietly.

"I'm Rachel Berry," she whispered back.

"I know," he stated simply while staring at her intensely. Trick had a hard time believing that after seven years he had her standing in front of him in his classroom of all places.

The night he had seen her for the first time he had gone home and immediately googled her. What he found was a series of Myspace and Youtube videos that blew him away. She was tremendously talented and each song he listened to healed and inspired him, and as he healed he was able to slowly heal his broken family. When he had discovered she was playing Fanny Brice a few years later he had drug his entire family to opening night. Not that anyone really fought him on it. She didn't know it but she had been apart of his family for years.

"Uh, Mr. G," the bass drummer interrupted.

"Dude, shut up," he heard Major growl before hearing a light smacking of skin which he could only assume was Major slapping the other drummer.

Major recognized Rachel from years of her videos and music being played throughout the family. He'd even seen her as Fanny Brice, all the good that did a ten year old, but he held her in high regard and knew his brother was enamored with her.

Trick didn't want to take his eyes off of Rachel but her knew he had to chastise Major for hitting the drummer even if he thought he deserved it. He glanced away for a moment.

"Major," he said softly shaking his head. The boy shrugged and looked chagrin so Trick turned back to Rachel to ask her if she wanted to get coffee, but she was gone and the bell was ringing.

He stared at the doorway disappointed. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Tell me it wasn't a hallucination," Trick begged of his brother who he knew was behind him.

"She was very real," Major reassured him. "There has to be a reason she was here. I'll ask around."

Trick swallowed hard and nodded before composing himself and turning to Major.

"Thanks," he whispered before hugging his brother lightly. "Now get going or you'll be late for your next class."

Major nodded mutely before heading for the door.

"I'll see you in rehearsal this afternoon," Trick heard Major add as he walked out of the room. Trick could only nod as he mentally prepared for his next class.

Song credit:

Feeling Good – Michael Buble

AN: I thank those people who stopped by and checked out this story. I really appreciate you taking the time to read something different. I hope as the story progresses you'll let me know what you think. This story has been sitting upstairs in my noggin for a few months and I finally decided to share. Please be patient as life is chaotic and I have other projects to work on. Thanks, Jaybles.

Next Chapter Preview: Rachel's musings after meeting Trick, an introduction to another original character, extended interaction between Rachel and Trick, and a few other moments.


	3. Say Something

Disclaimer: The Glee characters and any lyrics used do not belong to me. However, there are original characters that do belong to me.

Summary: It has been five years since the death of Finn Hudson and to the outside world it appears that Rachel Berry has moved on but in private she's still grieving and it's holding her back. This is the story of how she finds the strength to finally move forward and love again.

Say Something

September 17, 2018

James Madison High School

Brooklyn, New York

Rachel wondered back down to the choir room after her encounter with Trick both enamored and terrified. She wasn't sure if she was ready or deserved to feel anything but self-loathing and angst. She was overwhelmed by the dormant emotions he stirred back to life.

Of course there was physical attraction. How could there not be with his deep blue eyes that danced with mirth but also held wisdom and pain, a beautiful yet playful grin that spoke of mischief, and a build that augured of muscle? He was a specimen, but there was something more. In those brief moments, Rachel had felt he understood her better than anyone ever had and probably ever could. She felt an instant connection that she hadn't felt for years, was sure she would never feel again, and seemed to be returned with an equal intensity.

Rachel sat down at in a chair in the choir room and sighed. She found herself becoming excited by the prospect of truly connecting with someone and allowing them inside. Then she remembered that she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to be happy. Finn was dead and it was her fault. That's what Carol had said and that's what she had grown to believe.

For those few brief moments it was nice to hope again, but now she had to quell that hope and continue on in her punishment. The bell rang. Two more classes for the day and then she could go home and suffer alone as she believed she should or maybe she would go sit in the auditorium and reflect. She always felt closest to Finn in an auditorium.

* * *

The final bell of the day rang and Major Gallagher made his way into the hall to his locker. Throughout the day he had discovered that Rachel Berry was the choir substitute and that it was quite possible she would be for the remainder of the semester.

He was at once elated and worried. He was elated because Trick finally had the opportunity to meet her and finally either lay his crush to rest or see it into fruition. He was worried because if she wasn't willing to accept Trick into her life as anything friend or otherwise then his brother would be heart broken and maybe he would once again sink into a depression.

Major may have only been eight at the time but he still recalled the way his family had suffered when Standish had killed their mother and then himself, and then one day Trick came home with a smile on his face and proceeded to make the entire family listen to the vocal styling of one Rachel Berry. Her voice had slowly helped to heal his family because it gave Trick back his hope and as it had always been with his older siblings the mood was contagious.

Trick and their older sister, Michaela, had always been like a force of nature. When they were together it seemed they could change any situation. Trick's personality was vibrant and caring while Mike's personality was more reserved, just as caring, and largely self sacrificing.

From the stories Major had heard, when Mike, now thirty, was in her teens she had gone out of her way to make sure those around her were happy even if it meant she had to give up a piece of herself to do it. She had done small things like walked way from a guy she liked so her best friend could be with him to large things like stepping in front of a bullet for Trick when they had walked into a convenience store robbery during her senior year of high school. She believed for a long time that her life was secondary to those around her.

So, when Trick began to come back to life after seeing Rachel Berry for the first time, Mike was one hundred percent behind him. Slowly their father, seeing his two oldest excited about life again, began to comeback to the once boisterous Irishman he was before the tragedy and their family began to mend.

Now, seven years later, the youngest, Isabella, was being raised in a world of so much joy. Isabella had only been weeks old when Standish had done this deed so she didn't remember any of it. All the seven year old knew was that Mommy and her brother were in heaven and that Rachel Berry's voice had sang her to sleep for most of her life.

Major sighed and turned away from his locker. He had rehearsal to get to in the auditorium, but he couldn't help but think that Rachel Berry being so near could be a blessing or a disaster for his family.

Trick made his was to the auditorium after the final bell to prep the stage before the show band he had put together came into to rehearse. He may not have been able to get a glee club but there was no objection to an after school show band that just so happened to occasionally need singers. It was fairly popular among the the JV choir members who did not have 'what it took' for the Bach choir. Really it was a tragedy that so many talented singers were stuck in lower level choirs because they had different voices.

Trick sighed an rolled his eyes at his own musings. He had spend most of the afternoon in a haze of disbelief that he had encountered the illusive Rachel Berry until he had received a text from Major that stated she maybe in his world for a time. He was over the moon with excitement that he would finally have the opportunity to know her on a personal level.

He wondered though, if she would accept him. There had been a sadness behind her eyes in the band room that he just couldn't ignore. Something had happened to change her world and take her smile. Trick was determined that he would return in to her beautiful lips. He owed her that; whether she knew it or not.

As he approached the auditorium he heard piano music coming from behind the doors. He briefly wondered if one of the students had beat him there, but quickly amended that thought as he saw Rachel sitting at the piano placed stage left. Trick stood back stage with her back to him as she ran through several different bars of different songs.

He heard a few students begin to file in behind him. He held up his hand to keep them silent. Trick made his way across the stage towards her. He caught an angle on her face and noticed tears glistening in the stage lights, and then he saw a small photo on the music rack.

Trick instantly recognized the gawky teen from years ago when he had first set eyes on Rachel. If he remembered correctly the boys name was Finn and judging by the anguish on Rachel's face and the sadness he had seen in her eyes Finn wasn't in her life any longer. It broke his heart to see her so unhappy; so broken.

Just as he got within a few feet of Rachel she settled into a familiar melody; one that seemed to encompass her anguish perfectly. She began to hum softly like she was waiting to hear Finn's voice again. Trick couldn't let this pass, he was going to help her through this. He took a deep breath and began.

Trick:

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'll be the one, if you want me to  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you  
_

Rachel didn't seem the least bit phased when she heard his voice. Trick heard a few of his strings begin to play along as Rachel joined him.

__Trick & Rachel:

_And I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all_

And I will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl 

Trick slid onto the piano bench next to Rachel sitting as close as he dared. __

Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you  


He recognized her need to do this. Her need to heal. He tapered off._  
_

Rachel:

_And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye  
_

Trick heard her voice crack just a little as she sang the last words and joined her again.

Trick & Rachel:_  
Say something, I'm giving up on you  
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
And anywhere, I would've followed you_

Say something, I'm giving up on you  


Trick cut off his string section behind him.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you _

Rachel's voice cracked on the last words and her fingers faltered over the keys. Trick wove his arms between hers and he struck the last chord while they sang the last words at little more than a whisper.

_Say something_

Trick felt her tears on his skin as she buried her head and sobbed into his shoulder. He felt his eyes begin to sting at the sorrow this beautiful creature and exhibiting. Trick adjusted and folded Rachel deeper into his arms as she heaved a shuttered breath.

"Is there anyone I can call for you?" He whispered into her hair.

He felt her shake her head in the negative. She didn't want the few people she could still call friends to see her like this. Rachel had worked far too hard to make everyone believe she was okay with the way things were.

"Okay," Trick glanced over his shoulder and motioned for Major.

"Call Mike," he whispered to his little brother who gave a silent nod and walked over to the skirt of the stage to place the call as he watched his brother comfort the woman who had become so much to his family.

AN: I apologize for the delay. I work two jobs and have very little time. I wanted this to be longer but I was getting bogged down in this chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to get the next one out faster.

Next Chapter: Meet Mike and other members of Trick's family, a little interaction with some Glee alum, and Trick's students set him a task that cold prove heartbreaking.


End file.
